Thursday, March 18, 2010

To blog or not to blog....

I feel guilty about not blogging. Probably, because I mean to and then I don't. I want to post things in chronological order, and I don't. So the cycle continues, and, yes, it's vicious.

I have a reason to blog tonight. I just got off the phone with my dearest, best-est (and for the longest time only) girlfriend. We actually managed a reasonable 2 1/2 hourish conversation. They've been much longer. I have phone bills to prove it! We were both a bit weepy since we heard from a long lost friend today. It brought back a lot of memories, and since we are women after all, we got emotional.

The one thing that has truly sustained me throughout the years have been my friends. Time and distance has made the relationships much more precious. Any time we actually spend in each others company are treasured for their rarity. Not a day goes by that I don't wish they were closer, but that's not the way it can be. I love them. I miss them. I am simply thankful that they haven't given up on me.

You see, the blog is the perfect representation of who I am. When I am troubled, depressed, in a negative funk, I internalize. I become a hermit. I have Kevin and that's about as much as I can handle. My friends get upset - rightfully so - because they want to help. I don't want to burden them, as I have so many times in the past.

The last few years have been some of the toughest of my life. I've questioned who I am. My own worth. My place in the world. My sanity. I really lost the sense of who I was, because too many things happened over a short period of time. And when you don't know who you are, you can't be "yourself" around others.

In the last couple of months, I've found pieces of myself again, though not completely. There's still some fractures that need to mend. I had this conversation about regrets with my nearly lifelong friend, because he knows me in ways that no one else does. He said it for me - I regret chances not taken, risks avoided, missed opportunities.

I haven't made the best choices the last few years, but I did take some risks. I tried something different. But some things changed in my life too, that impacted a few relationships, and it didn't sit well with me. I couldn't be the same person anymore. Some things that I had believed, that kept my world on an even keel, were wrong, were false. I still struggle with it and I still can't talk about it because it will seriously damage one relationship that doesn't need any more turmoil.

I don't mean to be cryptic, but part of this message is for the benefit of one person and I hope they understand why I'm saying this. I had to make a choice and it's one that brings me no joy, but I'm doing it to save someone else from a lot of pain. My hands are tied for now. I am truly sorry.

As I said, the last few years haven't been easy and I wouldn't have gotten through it without those I love - my husband, my family and my long-suffering friends.

So why the "to blog or not to blog"? In reality, I didn't feel free to blog anymore. Besides all the other stuff that I have eluded to, someone from my past, someone I thought was on the other side of world, is less than 10 miles from me. It really freaked me out, because this person had brought me so much grief and was the reason I moved to Northern California. For a time, all peace in my life was gone. But if I choose to be a victim, than I've lost again. I won't be victim anymore.

So, a-blogging I will go.

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