Tuesday, October 14, 2008

In the sky

As I have done many nights this summer, I went out to do some star gazing. This is the first summer in years that I haven't driven to Southern California to see my mother. It's usually on these drives that I get to do some star gazing. The one I always look for is Orion. Sadly, it has eluded me all summer, until tonight.

Orion, the Hunter, is the first constellation that my father taught me. Ever since my Dad passed away, oddly, it has been the first constellation that I usually noticed when I would be out at night and the sky was clear. For a while after he passed, it gave me the feeling that Dad was looking down on me and that everything would be ok.

This summer has been a time of change for me. I guess you could say that I've been hunting for answers, and many times the answers eluded me, much like Orion has this summer. Seeing it tonight was almost a relief. For me it was a sign that things are going to get back on track again.

I've also missed Dad quite a bit over the last few months. There are some things that have happened recently that I would have wanted to talk to him about. Questions that will have to go unanswered. Also, for the first time really, there is something that has happened that I really can't be open to talk about, because of the impact, good and bad, it will have on those I love. That bothers me quite a bit.

For those of you that have been stopping by for a while, you know that I am pretty open about my thoughts. I can't be this time. It's placed me in a position to understand how some things are better left unsaid. Overall, the situation has opened some doors for me to explore different aspects of my life, at the same time having to keep other doors closed. I'm not used to that.

I've gotten to know some different people, and I look forward to the prospect of deeper understanding and mutual growth. The unknown can be scary though.

This is part of the reason that my posts have been so sporadic and not very deep. I retract, become introspective, and isolate myself when I'm feeling especially vulnerable. I'm sure many of you do the same. My self imposed hermitage is hopefully coming to an end.

Thanks for stopping by, and thanks to those who have been posting comments. The recognition is much appreciated.

1 comment:

Fluffy said...

Some things are very hard to put into words. Often what I write is very light compared to what I am thinking. I have been trying to verbalize my deeper thoughts at times, but it's not easy. There are things that I need write about that I just can't get myself to do. Maybe in the next 20 years or so, I will.
I'm thinking about you. Now that it has gotten too cold to stay outside, I am trying to be a better commentor. Did I spell that right?