The first time I saw a comedian live was in Las Vegas and it was George Carlin. I'm glad he was my first, because he set the bar. He is on my short list of comedians that I can listen to anything they do and throughly enjoy it.
And now, some of his pearls of wisdom......
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Rest in peace, George.